I knew I couldn't go to school today. Not after what happened last night. I was;t even going to go to bowling this weekend, but it's not exactly the way to deal with this. That, to me, would be the equivalent of tucking my tail between my legs. No; he may have been able to take my pride away for a bit, but not this time. 

I do love him. With all my heart. But maybe he's right. I can't be with someone who's spineless. Our confidence levels are at two very different spots. I need someone with the same or more confidence as me. 

I want to make him feel better about himself. Not just because I love him, but as a friend. I can't stand when my friends put themselves down and half the things they say aren't even true. I wish for just one moment he could see what I see when I look at him. 

So I'm just going to try not to think of him today.

After all, when I don't look for someone to love, someone always finds me.

angusbeef53:  well im intoxicated right now
Blacklace93: please don;t tell me that
angusbeef53:  just to let you no
Blacklace93: I didn't want to know. And why?
angusbeef53:  y??
Blacklace93: uh yeah
angusbeef53:  because i smoke and im a goldfish glub glub
Blacklace93: i don't even know what to friggen say.
angusbeef53:  say glub glub
Blacklace93: it's not funny
angusbeef53:  yes it is meow
Blacklace93: no it really fucking isn't. Just cause we're not together anymore doesn;t mean I don;t care that you do stupid suff.
angusbeef53:  dont be such a buzz kill
Blacklace93: w/e
Blacklace93: you probably wont' even remember I was being a buzz kill anyway.
angusbeef53:  yah i will
Blacklace93: Nice to know I'm driving you away more then. I'll stop talking. No need to ruin someone elses fun.
angusbeef53:  driving me away more???
Blacklace93: isn't that what I'm doing?
Blacklace93: I'm being fucking pathetic and it isn;t like me.
angusbeef53:  well yah u r muahahhahahahahha baka =]
Blacklace93: baka?
angusbeef53:  i dunno
Blacklace93: Well, sorry I;m being pathetic. I'll shut up and get over you like you're over me. No use holding on to something I don;t have.
angusbeef53:  u say that like its a bad thing and acording to my 7 secons of compitecnce i still love you but its bet to yah just get over me
Blacklace93: it isn;t that simple. It just pisses me off that you;re willing to give up so easily.
angusbeef53:  give up  no  relese yes
Blacklace93: but that;s what it is. You are giving up. I don;t know why either. You said I was too good for you, but I don't exactly see it as that. you're plenty good enough for me.
angusbeef53:  listen you may think you love me and maby you do but im not good enough 4 u ur ganna grow up and get a good job nice salery me im ganna grow up most likley not go to collage live in this room till im 25 when i finaly realise i have to stop smoking and get a job till then i dont wanna grow up im happy the way i am
Blacklace93: don't put yourself down. You;re plentygood enough for me. But I mean, with all the stuff you go through I'd rather be there and at the end of the day you can still say "well at least I still have my girl," and I'd want to be able to say the same (except the girl part)
angusbeef53:  yah well i dont whant your kids to have a dead beat dad you deserve much better a gadda go bye
Blacklace93: are you saying that cuz you don't want to talk to me anymore?
angusbeef53 signed off at 9:03:47 PM.

Well, things could be better. 

Saturdays was bordering on disaster. Here's what happened. 

I got there, and as usual Angus was sitting at the drving game and it was awkward at first. But I eventually got up the courgae to ask if he still wanted to be with me and he said he didn't know. I didn't really expect him to say yes. We went through the rest of the time there barely making eye contact and all that. We kept talking like friends, but it just isn't the same. It just hadn't been totally cleared up yet so I told him we'd talk at his locker. And we did.

Apparently he was thinking about asking be back out. He hadn't even told his friends we broke up. But somehow it got through the grapevine that we had split. And his friend called him up and asked why. So he told him and angus asked is friend if he should ask me back out and his friend said no. But the thing that made me mad about that was, I listened to other people too. I was going more on the influence of others to reak up with him more than my own. So I told him not to listen to what his friends say and do what he wants to do. And he said he still would've broken up with me anyway. 

Then we got into the whole reason why he wasn't going to take me back. He implied that he was too much of a screw up for me. He said that it pissed him off to no end that he couldn;t see me every day, and if we went out with people from our own schools, even if he got grounded, he's be able to see them every day. He did assure me however that there wasn't anyone at his school he had his eye on. We still love each other. So after him saying "I'm sorry, no" about a million times we left his locker. 

He wet back to the driving game and I stood and watched, that's when Sam came up and sat down in the other drivers seat (I had been standing behind the seat Angus was at) and she was making casual conversation but gave me the look like "well?" So I just shook my head. After that Jesse (her boyfriend) came over and soon enough my aunt and Michael were over with us too. Quite crowded in the small space. My aunt figured out that he said no and was making violent gestures behind his back while he was playing. 

After enduring that for two more rounds of Angus's game, he went to go get some more change or whetever and Jesse started talking to me. He said I should keep trying and stuff like that. I just kinda shrugged. Jesse's a sweetie, Sam's lucky to have him. Anyway, after Angus played a little more his grandfather came over and told him they were going to leave soon. So Angus went over to where our stuff was (which happens to be where my aunt was) and I heard him say "I'm sorry" to her. So that's what started their conversation. So while my aunt and Angus were talking Jesse came back over to me to talk. And he said "Nevermind, don't keep trying." So I asked why the change in decision. And he said it was because I deserve better than him. So I got in this whole thing about how I don't WANT better than Angus, I only want him, and it's not going to change any time soon. So Jesse was sitting there listening like a good frind while my aunt is trying to talk sense into Angus. This lasted what seemes like 15 minutes. 

So after Angus left and after Jesse left me my aunt and Sam were talking (lots of talking I know). I asked what she was sying to him and vise versa. Apparently she was asking if he really cared about me and really wanted to be with me, and he said yes. So she was talking to him about how when teenagers go to different schools and are going out it isn't uncommon to only see each other once a week. And she also mentioned that Sam and Jesse who have been together for a year now only see each other on the weekends too because Sam's parents won't let her go out with him. And apparently he didn't know that. That might've goven him some hope. She also said that if he really wanted to see me more than once a week than he has to work harder to not get in trouble. So he goes into this thing about how when he's with his friends he can't help but screw up because he's always goofing off with them. So my aunt told him "when you're about to screw up with your friends, stop and think of Ana." But that was pretty much all I remember of what she told me except for the fact that he was going to call me this week. I hope he does. 

So yeah my mind is going to be spinning until he calls me, IF he calls me. I know how he is with his phone calls.

-You asked me whose life was more important; your's or mine, and I answered "mine" ;you walked away angry not knowing that you are my life
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-Loving someone doesn't need a reason. If you can explain why you love someone, it's not called love, it's called "Like."
-If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me...
-If you asked me how many times you have crossed my mind today, I would say "Once," because you never really left.
-A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else believes the smile on your face.
-When it hurts to look back, an you're afraid to look ahead, you can look besie you and see your best friend.
-It's the times we're so crazy, that people think we're high. It's the times we laugh so hard we can't help but cry. It's all the inside jokes and "remember whens". Those are all the reasons that we're best friends!
-If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn;t jump, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
-A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws

Me and Angus are done. I'm hurting more than I thought though. Partially because he was devistaed and was trying to mask it. But also because I guess through all our arguments and stuff we really did care about each other. It was something I had to do though. I wasn't happy seeing him for only two hours a week. Some people said that maybe since he really does care, he'll try and pull his act together. I don't think so though. He'll always be a troublemaker. I can hope that he trys to stay out of trouble, but it's a lost cause. He said I was to good for him. He's right, but it doesn't mean I wasn't happy when our relationship was good.

Al's house was fun. Sat around all night watching the guys play Halo (I tired but I sucked really bad). Al and his friend were hilarious. Right now I really don't want to think about Al. I'm hurting because Angus is hurting. I never expected to. It's so much harder than I thought.

I already had chocolate icecream and for once icecream didn't really help. It's probably gonna take a while for me to get over this. Eventually/hopefully I'll move on.

I love Alicia. Here's why.

So as you may know, I'm probably breaking up with my boyfriend soon. Possibly in a few hours. Earlier I was hoping to see Al on Friday as well and to hook up with him. Well, it turns out that Al has a girlfriend. I cried, yes, because it was the second time I'd automaticly assumed smething about him and got my hopes WAY too high. I'm still breaking up with Angus and me an Al are still just going to be friends. The kid that carried my books asked me out today, but I only said maybe. 

After crying my eyes out over Al, I told Alicia everything because that's just what we do. She kind of brought me to my senses. She knows i'm not happy with Angus and she knows I'm not going to be able to go out with Al any time soon. So instead of being confused and taking one side just get out of it all together. I need a break from relationships for a while. Take time to figure things out. This is all coming from Alicia.

I won't be totally and completely lonely. I can flirt when I'm single. I can keep my options wide open. Then I can decide what I want for myself, not what's best for someone else.

I hope I can still be friends with Angus, and instead of seeing that thick boundary between me and Al as something I have to break, but like a fence to talk to each other like neighbors. 

She brought me right out of a dark spot. Thank you Alicia, I love you!!! <333