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January 2nd, 2010
suicidal_flaw
 | 02:39 pm
yeah, so i fell asleep and just woke up again. i woke up because liz called me.
apparently last night i told my brother tyler and liz that nothing makes me happy and i'm never happy, etc. and they were like, "well what makes you happy?" and i told them that donny's the only thing that makes me happy. which is true, in a sense. i see him a lot, since i've been working nonstop and he comes into my work. and he's in one of my classes at school. and he gets me out of class and stuff sometimes and we hang out and he surprised me with a cookie a couple times and stuff like that.
but he doesn't make me happy in the way i want. like, it's only for that brief time that i'm happy, ya know? and danny and i are beginning to talk, now. and i can't say that he makes me happy yet because i haven't even seen him all vacation. he's really cute over text messages and the phone, though. but - obviously since i haven't seen him - i haven't had that one-on-one like, butterflies in stomach feeling yet. we hardly talked when we were in school b.c we were fighting. we started talking, like, a day or two AFTER break started. but he's always made me happy. not in the i-want-to-be-with-you kinda happy, since i never wanted it to be like that. although, every once in a while, when i would THINK about him like that..like, in a boyfriend way and obviously, i got all excited and he gave me butterflies or whatever.
but anyways..and donny's not talking to me AT ALL anymore. i just got off the phone with him and he said when we got off the phone, he was going to delete my number. i feel like such shit. i know i hurt him. and all he did was try to be with me. and he was, like, the one person who didn't fuck me over recently or whatever, but..i CAN'T be with him because of my parents, so i feel like it's a waste of time. and i know it most likely wouldn't last or whatever. like, i don't see myself with him in the future, so why bother? though, that's kinda the problem, too. because i didn't want to be with jake because all he ever talked about was our future and getting married.
i don't even know what i want anymore. i'm just so unhappy. for NO reason. people try to make me happy and stuff, but..i'm just NOT. i go to work, and everyone there..i LOVE my managers. troy and nicole are the bestttt. adal is funny and cool. i love talking to him sometimes. and it's fun to mess with him(: melissa is my favoriteeee, we go to school together. she's such a sweetheart, and she makes me smilee. joavanna is cool to talk to, but i hardly ever work with her anymore.... but other than that, i hate everyone. i don't even want to give anyone a CHANCE anymore. because i'm sick and tired of being let down. the only reason i like the people listed above is because i gave them a chance before i gave up. that's exactly what i did, too. i just GAVE UP on people. i'm sick and tired of caring. i'm sick and tired of being tied down and constantly being told what to do.
i went into work the other day, and this biiiig black dude, james, was working. and i wasn't in a good mood, and troy loves me, so to make me happy, he put me in the kitchen. and he had adal come up front to learn how to do cash register and expedite. so i went back there and said to james, "troy told me to tell you to go on specialty board, and i'll do the main board." well, that asshole kept pushing me off main board. and he kept telling me to drop meat and burger buns. that's, like, beginner's jobs. that's the only thing they're allowed to do. and i LOVE making the food, not just getting it ready. normally i don't mind, but it's not like he was being nice or anything. like, he never ONCE said please. NEVER. and when something came up on specialty, he told me to do it. so i flipped out. like, i spazzed on this guy. and afterwards, adal came up to me and was like, "yoooo, i know how james is. we hung out before, you can't be spazzing on him. you don't know what he'll do. he's crazyy" and i told him i didn't care. i wasn't putting up with bullshit. i told him right from the start, i wasn't doing specialty - it's REALLY difficult for me to, since i'm short and most of the stuff, like the wrappers for the burgers or the cartons for chicken fries & stuff is all up high. i can't reach it. and idk. i'm just better at main board. so anyway, i flipped out on the guy and he ended up leaving the kitchen completely. and he was like, "see how it feels doing it by yourself, then, if you don't want me to be here." and i was like, "good, i don't want you here anyway." he ended up washing dishes and dropping me meat. and every once in a while he'd help me out a littleeee, but otherwise - i was by myself. and it was in the middle of a rush, where, like, 938475938745 cars came into drive thru. afterwards, james came back into the kitchen and was like, "damn. i didn't think you were that good in the kitchen. i'm surprised." that's why he had me dropping meat and burger buns in the first place.
because everyone always fucking doubts me. i'm not fucking stupid. and i'm sick and tired of people not thinking i'm good enough or doubting me or telling me what i can and can't do.
for example, i was driving the other day, and my dad was in the passenger seat. the light ahead turned red, but i still had about 45 feet to stop, and i was only going 25 mph. and he tells me, "alicia! it's a red light, you have to stop!" and i was like, "dad....my foot is on the break. calm down. i still have another, like, 40 feet to stop. i'm not stupid." and he said, "yeah, right. the only reason you're stopping now is because i said something."
UHM, NO ASSHOLE. I'M STOPPING BECAUSE THERE'S A FUCKING RED LIGHT. like, i'm NOT fucking blind. i had my glasses on and everything.
like, give me a chance. obviously sometimes i need pointers or whatever. but i mean, my parents have been driving for 26 or whatever years. obviously i'm not going to be as good as them. and they won't let me get my license until i am as good as them. which is bullshit. but whatever.
i don't know. i know that life isn't fair and i can't get everything i want. but i just feel like i'm being cheated out of certain emotions. like happiness, for example. why the FUCK can i NOT be happy? what makes it SO GODDAMN DIFFICULT for me to just BE HAPPY for FIVE fucking minutes without someone ruining it?!
why can i not find someone who makes me happy, who isn't going to fuck me over?
why can i not just be who i want to be without someone ALWAYS being there critisizing me and telling me that i'm doing shit wrong, or that it's not good enough.
or someone always being there and seeing everything, and getting me in trouble.
or someone always being there, and just not caring.
i want someone to just care about me in the "friends" way, and appreciate the things i do, and help me. criticism is good sometimes, but not 24/7. i need some self-esteem =/
and this year. it's my senior year. i want it to be a good year. high school has SUCKED for me so far. i've hated it so much. i don't care about being popular or even being LIKED. i just want to be noticed a little bit. i don't want any rumors going on about me. i'm sick and tired of all these goddamn rumors and drama. just leave me alone =/ i love when people say hi to me in the halls. it honestly does brighten up my day. but i don't want them to say, "hey! omg guess what i heard?!" can't you just say hi, and leave it at that? =/ can't you just stop causing so much drama and let me live my life?
can't i just be fucking happy?
ughghhgg. i have work at 5. i've been laying in bed ALL DAY because i'm too nauseous to get up.
tyler just came upstairs. he said dad wants to talk to me, but i'm not going to be grounded.
i guess if i don't go downstairs, i'm not going to be "allowed" to go to work.
i want to go to work. i hope troy is working.
yeah, i hafta goooo. bye
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suicidal_flaw
| 10:37 am
the only reason i'm posting this is because it's the easiest way for me to say what i have to say without being interupted, or having to press enter a million times over AIM. anyways....
i drank myself sick last night. i mixed brunnette's raspberry vodka with some puertican rum or something like that. i put it in a water bottle and almost three quarters of it. i hardly ate yesterday. and i drank it within 10 minutes. i ended up puking for what seems like 5 hours, but probably was only 2. but i wouldn't doubt it was longer than two hours.
everyone in my household drinks. and they're always bugging me to drink. and you know what? they're ALWAYS happy. especially when they drink. but i'm SOOOO against alcohol and smoking and all of that. i've never been the stupid one. i've always been the "smart" one, the "good guy" or whatever you want to call it.
so, if they're all the bad ones..and i'm the good person..why are they all always happy, and i'm miserable?
no matter what i do, i'm MISERABLE. MISERABLE. MISERABLE. MISERABLE. i can't even cry anymore because i've been crying so much lately. i'm drained. i'm just..so unhappy. and no matter how hard i try, i can't change that. i can't make myself happy. and i'm doing all that i can to just live my life and have no regrets and just be who i want to be....but it's not making me happy, so obviously i'm doing something wrong.
i don't know. i try to be happy. i try to make everything okay, and help everyone, and do good. i'm kinda a perfectionist, honestly. actually, most of the guys i've liked/dated, i ended up not liking them, and just trying to fix them. fix them so that they can be successful, good people, and be able to find a GOOD girl who's going to make them happy one day.
i thought jake was the one for me. but obviously not. i gave up everything for him. i gave up my friends, my family, my life. i can't get that all back, so i'm trying to make up for it. he's still texting me and calling me, though. his sister called me yesterday. he was crying and depressed, and shanna and chontal (his sisters) didn't know what to do. all they knew was that he told them we broke up. i feel so terrible. he hung up the phone after telling me "you're the worst fucking girlfriend. i fucking hate you." he's NEVER sworn at me. that hurt. he must have called me "coldhearted" twelve times, and he even called me a bitch.
i don't know. i'm trying to move on with my life, and i just can't. i feel like the harder i try, the deeper i sink. it's like quicksand. the more you try to get out, the faster you sink. i don't know. i just want my life back. and i'm trying to make new friends....yeah, "friends" my ass. they just keep fucking me over. and if they don't fuck me over, they just don't understand me, and give up. no one cares to really try to understand me. they just tell someone what a weirdo i'm being so that that person can deal with me, instead of them. no one's a good person nowadays. i'm so sick of being the "good guy."
i'm so nauseous. but i'm trying my hardest to ignore it, so i can type this out. i'm going to go nuts if i don't. literally. i can't stand it anymore. i just need SOMEONE to fucking LISTEN to me and just..TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. because obviously i'm doing something wrong. obviously, i'm fucking stupid or something because one minute i could be fine, and the next - I CAN BE SO FUCKING ANGRY. and there's nothing i can do about. and i feel like giving up. because no one fucking makes me happy. because i feel like no one fucking notices a thing i do. and when they do notice, they don't appreciate it at fucking all. and i'm sick and tired of trying my hardest to just do what i want to do, and be successful at it - and it doesn't fucking matter to ANYONE. yeahyeah, it should only matter to me. well, it doesn't matter to me unless someone else appreciates it. because otherwise, i feel like i'm doing it FOR NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL. like, if i get honors and no one cares? and i'm getting honors and tyler's failing..and he gets all the freedom and i don't? what the fuck is the fairness in that? NOTHING.
i'm goinngg to be sickkkk. in like, twoooo secondssss.
and i'm such a bad person. because i do bad things to bad people. like....that didn't make sense. but it did to me. like donny? yeah, i fucked him over. because i'm such a bad fucking person. and i feel like shit. because i REALLY hurt him. but i can't be with him. and i really liked him. a lot. like, he made me so happy. and he changed for me. like, no one should ever have to do that. but he knew he'd have to in order to be with me. and he DID. and he tried so hard to see me. he came to my work EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. i had work. he even brought me chocolate once. it was so cute. but we can't be together. but he's not a "good" person. and my parents don't even want me TALKING to him. and my brothers won't LET me talk to him. if they see me/hear of me talking to him, they FLIP out. and i'm just so sick and tired of being tied down. i can't take it any longer. i don't care if "they're boys! and you're so small" excuses. i want to DO WHAT FUCKING MAKES ME HAPPY. LEAVE ME ALONE. LET ME DO WHAT I WANT. I'M MISERABLE SITTING HERE IN MY ROOM EVERY FUCKING DAY ALL BY MYSELF. but no one understands. well, my mom does. but it doesn't fucking matter. because i have no friends that they'll let me hang out with anyway. they keep telling me to get more friends that are girls. every time i was friends with a girl, i was fucked over. i like my guy friends. can't they just trust my decision in people?
i feel so fucking sick. i can't finish this journal entry. i'm going to bed before i puke....or maybe not. but i'm getting offline.
i'll finish this later.
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